friday rut
Today is my first day off so I am using it to do chores that I couldn't (wouldn't!) do during my work days since I am a ferocious defender of my free time. I've tidied up a bathroom drawer, done laundry, and will go grocery shopping later. Grocery shopping is wild these days. I buy a handful of items and the bill is $50 without fail! It's hard to imagine a time when I bought things without looking at the price tag and tallying numbers in my head, but then, I've always been frugal, even before inflation happened at warp speed.
The washing machine just clicked loudly, summoning me to move things to the dryer. Yet I lie here typing away. I'll get up soon.
I've been feeling restless and gloomy this last week. I'm in another spiral of "What's the point of all this?" I don't know how to stop thinking this way. I don't want anything, but maybe that's the problem. Lack of goals, no ambition. People around me all say their dreams out loud and I'm mute in the corner. I don't know what's wrong with me, if anything. I've labeled myself as an autistic woman which makes so much sense when I view how I am and think about my past, but then it's like, so what? Whenever I look at the autistic women subreddit, I somehow get envious of all the women on there living their lives and being super successful despite autism. Or I get jealous of the autistic women who are on disability, or have super supportive partners, which means they get to tend to their needs and not work.
I don't want to work. But I want to work. I kind of enjoy my little work days, even though the commute sucks and I'm not very friendly with my colleagues. I'm nice enough but I'm sure they're thinking how quiet I am. I always have the same experiences everywhere I go and that adage is so true: "Wherever you go, there you are."
Bleh. Bleh. Bleh.