hermiting
I don't know why I never want to leave the house. Do I hate people? Is it the autism? I am always way more comfortable in here than out there. But then, they say people need people, they say to be social, they say just do it and you'll be like wow, I did it. So I'm doing it, again.
Tomorrow I have plans to meet friends to go to an escape room, and I already don't want to go. Is it narcissistic to love my own company? Is is it my love of silence? Am I hanging with the wrong people? Do people interfere with my alone time, even though I make sure I have tons of it each week? I always feel like I'm putting on a little act with friends, where I have to be the best listener, and entertain them. I think that's probably what they call being a people pleaser. No one wants to have to put on the role of a clown. But then, when I don't people please, I can hear my monotone, somewhat aggressive words coming out of my mouth, and I'm like what the fuck, I'm saying all this? I can tell people are off-put as well when my mask slips. So yeah. Putting on a show it is, again.
Every day when I wake up, I'm always tired. I don't know why. If I get a solid 8-9 hours of sleep, I still feel like a groggy slug when my eyelids flicker back. Maybe I have sleep apnea? Sleep apnea is the most annoying and stupid condition ever, if you think about it. Why on earth would a human stop breathing multiple times a night? Insane. I guess evolution doesn't care for the best, just good enough. I'm always disappointed by that kind of thought. Like, humans are just good enough, but it's not good enough for me. I don't accept it and I wish everything were better. Disappointed idealist, for sure.