Heat Wave
It's hot but I'm still planning to go for a run! I was supposed to wake up at 7:30AM in my perfect fantasy dream, but I had a rough sleep and so I turned my alarm off. Sleep is more precious to me than exercise! I also took a weed gummy last night, hoping it would help with my stress-induced insomnia, but the fear still crept in and I stayed up for a chunk of time searching for "scared to start my new job" posts on Reddit. Yeah.
I am scared to start my new job! I have not worked since January this year, which is a huge amount of time to be unemployed, but despite draining my savings and my lack of "productivity", I loved every day away from work. I loved doing whatever I wanted. I loved not waking up to alarms. I loved not being criticized or judged. I loved not dealing with people. I loved the peace in my heart. I loved my life.
Wow, look at me talking in past tense as if my happy life is all over! Maybe it won't be. I'm heading into this with a hesitant, defeatist mindset of "I'll probably hate this". But to be fair, I've never had a job that I enjoyed and felt super comfortable in. I guess that's why I keep quitting jobs! I don't really know how I'm supposed to retire if I can never hold onto a job long enough to boost savings, evolve skills, and so on. I don't get a sense of "This is fulfilling" when I work. I've never had anything I really wanted to do as a job or a career. I have two degrees, and it seems like they got me nowhere.
How can I still be so aimless? I hope answers reveal themselves in time. I hope I look down at my feet and feel confident that they're finally leading me down the right road!