Awash in Bitterness
Yep. My "summer cold" was Covid. Surprise, it's still a thing! Tested myself with one of the old kits I had lying around and it was an instant positive. I am so irritated that I got Covid for the second time. I want to blame taking public transit, where hardly anyone wears a mask anymore, and people cough and sneeze with impunity these days. But then, I wasn't wearing a mask either. So we're all on a merry go round of complacency and selfishness. I'm just pissed that my weekend has been spent sniffling, coughing, fever dozing, and feeling like crap instead of doing what I wanted to do, which was hitting the gym and going for outdoor runs. So lame. I feel like the human body is weak and I'm displeased by it. I feel really irritable these last few days, and feel like the world is a same old same old kind of place. I don't feel hopeful. I can't believe I've been alive for this long and presumably have just as long, if not more, to go.
I have been reading a lot about menopause lately even though it's 10+ years away for me (probably) and it all seems like shit. I don't know why I exist. It's a question that's haunted me my entire life. Why am I here? I don't feel like this life is a gift. I don't feel blessed with this experience. Had I not existed, I wouldn't have missed any of it at all. I think of all the traumas and horrors I've endured in life and feel bitter. Yes, there are good things. But they seem so very insignificant when compared to the pain. Maybe being sick is making me more gloomy and brittle than usual, but I want to wallow and I don't want to stamp a smiley face emoji on my experience. I seem to stumble upon a lot of positive "Just keep living!" posts on here, which might be a message that gives regular people hope, but I just think of these posts as naive and roll my eyes. Meh.